Women, Trauma & A Violent Father

I have compiled the following information after many years of meeting women in domestic violence shelters who have experienced violence both in their adult relationships and as a child in the family or caregivers home.

Please note that whilst the following can be perceived as precluding gender diversity as it relates specifically to the women I have met in Domestic Violence Women’s shelters for over 35 years where the issue of women overcoming the impact of a violent father /primary caregiver is very current in many women’s lives. However this does not preclude maternal violence or the diverse range of primary carers and gender diversity outside of the traditional father / mother / daughter /son narrative.

Conflicted Loyalty and Vicarious Trauma Symptoms

1. Conflicted Loyalty: Women who have grown up with a violent father often experience conflicted loyalty due to the complex dynamics of their relationship. They may feel torn between their love for their father and the fear and pain caused by his violent behavior.
2. Fear and Anxiety: Women who have experienced violence from their primary paternal figure may develop intense fear and anxiety as a result of living in an unpredictable and violent environment. They may constantly anticipate danger and have difficulty feeling safe and secure.
3. Low Self-Esteem: Women with a violent father may struggle with low self-esteem, as they may internalise blame for their father’s actions. They may feel unworthy of love and develop a negative self-image due to the emotional and psychological impact of their upbringing.
4. Emotional Instability: Growing up in a violent household can lead to emotional instability in women. They may experience intense mood swings, difficulty regulating emotions, and may struggle with anger, sadness, or feelings of emptiness.
5. Trust Issues: The experience of witnessing or being a victim of violence can result in significant trust issues for these women. They may find it challenging to trust others, including romantic partners, friends, or even themselves, due to the betrayal and trauma they have experienced.
6. Repetition of Patterns: Without intervention and support, women who have grown up with a violent father may unknowingly repeat the patterns of their childhood in their adult relationships. They may attract or be attracted to abusive or controlling partners, perpetuating the cycle of violence.
7. Guilt and Shame: Women with a violent father often experience guilt and shame related to their family dynamics. They may feel responsible for the violence or blame themselves for not being able to protect their siblings or mother, leading to feelings of guilt and shame that can affect their well-being

Trauma Bonding and Vicarious Trauma.

1. Complex Emotional Attachments: Trauma bonding can create complex emotional attachments that are difficult to break. Women who have been exposed to violence may develop an unhealthy bond with their father, even if they recognize the harm he has caused, which can complicate their ability to establish healthy relationships in adulthood.
2. Repeated Traumatic Experiences: Trauma bonding can lead to a repetition of traumatic experiences in women’s lives. They may find themselves drawn to abusive partners or situations, seeking a sense of familiarity and attempting to resolve past trauma through these relationships.
3. Self-Sabotage: The effects of trauma bonding can lead to self-sabotaging behaviours in women’s lives. They may engage in destructive behaviours or make choices that reinforce the negative patterns established during their traumatic upbringing, further perpetuating their trauma.
4. Boundary Difficulties: Women who have experienced trauma bonding may struggle with setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. They may have a distorted understanding of what constitutes acceptable behaviour in relationships and may tolerate mistreatment or abuse.
5. Impaired Self-Worth: Trauma bonding can significantly impact a woman’s self-worth and self-perception. They may internalise the belief that they are deserving of abuse or mistreatment, leading to a diminished sense of self and difficulty in asserting their needs and desires.
6. Lateral Trauma: Trauma bonding can have ripple effects on the relationships of women with a violent father. Their experiences and unresolved trauma may impact their interactions with friends, siblings, and other family members, creating a cycle of trauma within the broader social network.
7. Vicarious Trauma: Women who have experienced trauma bonding may inadvertently subject their own children or future partners to similar traumatic experiences. The unaddressed trauma and the resulting behaviors and coping mechanisms can perpetuate the cycle of violence and trauma through generations, causing vicarious trauma for those connected to them.

It is important to note that these points are generalisations and may not apply to every individual in this situation.

Each person’s experience is unique, and the impact of trauma bonding can vary based on various factors such as resilience, support systems, and access to resources.

Professional help, therapy, and support networks can play a crucial role in breaking the cycle and promoting healing for women affected by trauma bonding.