This semi fictional piece was written after spending a great deal of time travelling on the city and suburban roads in the mid-late 90’s at a time when technology was making a huge in road to our daily lives at the same time as the ‘self actualisation’ industry began to pop up with a never before seen choice of healing, feeling, growing modalities to suit every persons need….
New Age Road Rage
She was stationary at the traffic lights, a mobile phone pressed snuggly to her ear. At the precise moment that the emerald disc flashed permission to go forth her lap-top computer which was open and operational on the seat beside her, slid forward and fell to the floor.
She experienced two automatic responses. Dropping the phone into her lap she simultaneously obeyed the command to accelerate whilst retrieving the lap top from it’s upright position.
She leant forward as she accelerated. It caused her personal-organiser multi storage-glows-in-the-dark mobile phone to fly off her lap and land on her left foot. She wove dangerously close to the next lane of traffic, placing a bus full of children, a plumber in his van, two Japanese tourists in a rental car and three bowling ladies in an old FC Holden at serious risk
The children squealed:
“Watch out, watch out, it’s a drive by office. It’s a techno-terrorist. Aaaahhhh”
There were screams and pandemonium as twenty-two faces pressed at the windows with frightened intrigue.
The bus driver reacted with the conditioned response of someone who encounters drive-by’s every day. He downed his foot and sped past the life threatening mobile office whilst the children screamed out “ pull over pull over ”.
Some were seeing a drive-by office for the very first time!
The vehicular office was a buzz with dangerous activity as the heavy metal steering lock jiggled dangerously close to the lap-top computer which was still splayed open on the passenger side floor.
“Hmm…” she thought. “Perhaps I should pull over.”
Still running on the adrenaline and excitement of regaining control, she responded to the idea with trigger light enthusiasm, causing her to cut in front of the startled bowling ladies in the FC Holden whilst four other cars performed a synchronised brake dance.
All around expletives rose and fell like dominoes but she remained oblivious to the furore she had created.
She would never know that Thelma, the best bowler on the team had emitted the four-letter word when she was forced to take evasive action.
Her team-mates sat in shocked silence. The drive-by office had claimed more victims in its wake.
Thelma had lost innocence in her bowling buddies eyes. They would never have thought their esteemed team member could be so un-Christian under pressure. Thelma’s foul language was unforgiveable and marked a turning point in the bowling teams future.
With practised expertise the phone-wielding, office-driving terrorist came to a dramatic halt in a no standing zone.
Flicking the hazard lights on, she retrieved the mobile phone.
“Hello, are you still there?” she asked warmly.
The equally pleasant and very patient man on the other end of the phone had no idea that she had saved them from danger in their near miss mobile tragedy.
“Yes, yes I’m here.”
“Sorry about that little delay. I’ll just have a look in my diary.”
She lit up a cigarette as she spoke, careful not to click the lighter too close to the phone.
Discretion. Such an important aspect of projecting just the right image for her job and smoking had become so unpopular these days.
Such judgement people place on one another!
“Yes, I can fit you in on Tuesday the 12th.”
Reaching over, she turned herself sideways, readjusted the laptop and started to type. (She was very impressed that the near miss tragedy had not upset the function of the little computer).
“I’ll just get a few details from you.”
Around her the traffic bleated its protest. A horn blared and a van tooted to tell her she was blocking the traffic flow.
“Bloody drive-by office” one angry florist screamed. “Why don’t ya get a real office ya moron!”
She was oblivious to their indignation. Her hazard lights were on so surely they could see this was an emergency?
She took the enquirers name, age and date of birth. Noted he was a Virgo and made a mental note that he probably had issues with criticsm and excessinve neatness.
At 4:45 on a Wednesday afternoon she efficiently conducted a preliminary interview in the midst of the peak hour build up.
“Yes I’ll look forward to seeing you then. No you don’t need to bring your own pillow if you choose to do the weekend intensive.
All we ask you to bring is a positive attitude and an open mind! At New Rage Alternatives we believe that to change our life we need to change our thoughts. Grow with the flow and things will get better before you know.”
The eager caller agreed. He knew his brother had put him onto the right person to help him. It just felt so..so right!
“Okay, look forward to seeing you on the 12th”
He hung up the phone chanting a little mantra to himself:
“Changing your thinking can stop you from sinking…
Changing your thinking can stop you from sinking……hmmm……I hope I don’t have to share aroom with a slob that weekend
Changing your thinking can stop you from sinking”…
She clicked the compact little phone shut and looked in the rear view mirror.
In the far distance she saw the tell-tale shape of an on-coming patrol car and with practised skill she repositioned the lap top on the seat beside her as she pulled out into the traffic, cutting in front of an off duty pizza delivery driver.
Her decisive action caused him to slam on his brakes frightening the peaceful ruminations on last weekends camping trip right out of him, leaving him startled and defensive!
“Bloody idiot” he screamed. “You drive-by mobile moron”
She turned up the volume on her sense-surround stereo and the seductive calm of ocean waves mingled with the cigarette smoke and her lavender perfume.
“Careful buster!….your negative thoughts will end up attracting you an accident” she mumbled pleasantly as the waves rolled and tumbled around her.
She accelerated her drive-by office and headed North.
The pizza driver increased his speed and leant forward to read the words emblazoned on the back window of her lipstick red BMW.
New Rage Alternatives. Let US help YOU gain control.
“Bloody yuppy hippy” he yelled, scaring Bronson his great dane who was sitting illegally on the back seat of his employers car.
She saw his face in her rear view mirror. It was contorted and twisted with rage.
She shook her head sadly, tutting in sage like fashion.
“Oh if only he could realise that his attitude is creating his reality…that’s a dangerous amount of anger he is vibrating there”
She exhaled dramtically, releasing the unpleasant feeling he had unleashed into the smoke filled car.
“ahhh…thats better breathing in the positive….exhaling the negative”……
She drew the image of a glorious white-light bubble around her to deflect the waves of vitriol the outraged driver was projecting towards her.
By the time he over took her he was wearing a nasty sneer and experiencing violent thoughts so it was not surprising that further up the road a radar gun clocked him exceeding the limit by two hundred and fifty dollars.
She sailed past doing 61 peaceful kilometres and she sighed knowingly when she saw the leather clad policeman emerge from the bushes and flag the culprit down.
“That guy has got no idea how his thoughts just manifested that speeding fine. He would really benefit from our Believe not Decieve seminars…”
Her thoughtfulness was interrupted when the mobile phone began to chirp cheerily in her lap.
She twisted the wheel slightly causing her to swerve to the right as she fumbled for the tiny little answer button, veering over the white line once again…
Her erratic actions impacted the traffic with no forewarning, frightening the driver in the big black vehicle in the next lane.
He was heading back to the funeral parlor and the unexpected swerve by the car in the lane next to him caused him to brake suddenly, almost dislodging the empty coffin in the rear of the hearse.
He slammed his hand onto the centre of the wheel, hitting the horn with such force that the ensuing blast of noise would surely have awoken his cargo had it been earlier in the day.
He immediately took a deep breath, steaming the window as he exhaled….
“Oh well, idiots like that are good for business” was his first thought once his heart had stopped racing and his mind could think clearly again. He had recently finished reading the New York times best selling self help book ,Choose Your Reality by Isis Magique and he had been practicing turning negative experiences into positive ones since.
“That duck-brain driver just gave me the perfect opportunity to take charge of my internal state”.
He smiled with the satisfaction of knowing he had just taken control of his emotional response.
Ms Magique would be impressed with her enthusiastic student indeed!
The driver of the bright red BMW was oblivious to the smiling face of the hearse driver along side her as she brought the phone to her ear…. “Hello, New Rage Alternatives- changing your thinking can stop you from sinking…. How can I help you to help yourself?”.