Men’s violence is a serious issue that affects everyone in society.
When we talk about this topic, we often hear the phrase “not all men” as a response.
It’s true that not all men are violent.
However, it’s important to acknowledge that most domestic violence is committed by men & that women are dying at the hands of men in Australia. It is not women killing women. It is men.
Not only are we called to navigate this tragedy & put action to making a difference, time & energy has to be redirected into dealing with the “Not all men” rhetoric.
Men can be sensitive about the topic of male violence for various reasons. One reason is that it can feel like an attack on their character or identity, especially when the focus is on men as a group.
Many men take pride in having high values so hearing about men’s violence can feel like a personal attack.
Additionally, discussing male violence can touch on deep-seated issues of masculinity & societal expectations.
Some men may feel uncomfortable confronting how certain traditional beliefs about being “tough” or “dominant” can contribute to the problem.
This sensitivity can also stem from a lack of understanding or awareness of how prevalent & harmful men’s violence is.
By approaching the topic with clarity & respect & identifying the positive role men can play in preventing violence, we can help bridge the gap & engage non-violent men in meaningful discussions & actions.
Instead of getting defensive, non-violent men can take practical action to help address the problem.
Here are some ways men can contribute to change:
Speak Up: If you see someone acting aggressively or disrespectfully, say something. Standing up against violent behavior shows support for victims.
Choose not to watch content that exploits the murder & rape of women as entertainment for “cop shows” & movies. Challenge the normalisation of violence as entertainment.
Support Victims: If someone confides in you about violence, listen & believe them. Offer help & resources, familiarise yourself with the dv safety networks.
Encourage Healthy Masculinity: Talk with other men about what it means to be strong in a healthy way by being supportive, respectful & kind. This can involve taking an emotional risk by stepping into new territory outside of the culture of men not expressing feelings.
Support the services & agencies at the front line of responding to the domestic violence crisis that rely on community support.
Men’s violence affects everyone, including non-violent men’s daughters, sisters & friends, it can harm their safety & well-being & by actively taking a stand against violence, non-violent men contribute to creating a safer community for everyone.
This issue isn’t just about “blaming men” it’s about working with emotional & psychological maturity to bring about change.
By being aware, speaking up & taking action, non-violent men can be part of the solution & help eradicate male violence.
Trailer to Men’s Group an important Australian film by John L Simpson that bravely confronts men’s violence and offers solutions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d68Ne3QdMyw
Back in 2016 I expressed concern to Our Watch and AWAVA that the national Domestic Violence Conference “Prevalent and Preventable ” that was due to be held in Adelaide, 3 km away from where I live, was exclusive and unaffordable.
I had been working in the domestic violence sector for over 30 years and had seen first hand how many of the patriarchal structures of privilege and hierarchy had infiltrated the Women’s Village, the domestic violence system.
My colleagues and friends, many who are retired domestic violence workers and independent contractors, had been excluded from attending the conference based on the registration that, even with discount, was extremely unaffordable.
Many retired domestic violence workers live week to week on pensions and several hundred dollars for entrance back into the sector where they spent several decades working, is unfathomable.
But that is exactly what was happening.
Some cultures and societies are wisdom-based and the knowledge and experience of the elders is at the forefront of community gatherings but this is not so in the western academic system where it is often income, status and privilege that have the access key.
My concern was that in the transition from feminist collectives to a much more academic and political ownership of the domestic violence sector, privilege and exclusivity had embedded into what has become a very hierarchical structure, bound by KPI’s and acquiescence to funding guidelines, with only a few voices speaking on behalf of all women and very little handing over of the microphone to women below the invisible line in the socio-economic sand.
The voices and peak leadership positions are often white women even though the statistics show that Aboriginal women are 45 times more likely to be impacted by domestic violence.
I was shocked to see the conference promotional material stated that it was near to Adelaide’s premium restaurants at the beautiful Convention Centre and cost was just under $1000.
A high-end venue at a high-end price, a long way from gathering in the meeting spaces of NGO’s, catered for by the local TAFE catering students during the era prior to the imposition of hierarchical, income exclusive structures and the homogenising of domestic violence response processes.
The thought of people gathering in an elevated position above the banks of the Torrens where women were sleeping rough was shocking to me and over several days I was engaged in difficult email exchanges about the ethics of creating exclusive domestic violence conferences that were no longer accessible to either grassroots frontline workers who were not associated with an agency or the women with lived experience who are not associated to organisations that could assist them.
When we reached the point in the email exchanges where the cost of the conference was stated as being more affordable because there was another that was $1500 in a similar field, I realised that unless people have had an experience of poverty, lack, homelessness and exclusion from privilege and influence, it was very difficult to comprehend how out of touch and far away from the original intention of the women’s sector Our Watch and AWAVA had become.
Since that time I have continued to share stories from the grassroots, frontline experiences of domestic violence and the following story is a contribution to creating a cultural and lived experience bridge into the public, political and academic discourse of the domestic violence conversation.
Eight years after that difficult exchange I continue to question how our sector went from grassroots, often lived experience, feminist activism to an increasingly smaller number of high profile representatives, often on high income with privileged access who are comfortable eating very well at conferences that cost as much to enter as some women with a lived experience of domestic violence will receive in a month.
To the lived experience, lived expertise advocates, writers and educators who struggle to be seen and heard or invited into the inner circle of domestic violence leadership spaces, I see you, I hear you and I thank you for your work and the resilience that it takes to be seen and heard and have your lived expertise valued in equal measure to those who have not walked your path.
It’s a long way down to the Grassroots
This week I spent time in a domestic violence Shelter hosting a Colouring and Conversation circle on the theme of Exploring Values and Setting Boundaries.
A Colouring and Conversation Circle is a very relaxed creativity based, group coaching session with content specific to domestic violence recovery and understanding coercive control .
The group members were courageous, wounded, resilient women who shared stories that have a very different narrative about domestic violence than what is often printed in the media.
The conversation was not about gendered violence, or the politics of domestic violence, the concerns were in the areas of
rebuilding relationships within the family,
concern for the children’s schooling,
wanting to access video surveillance cameras and
how to find and clear digital tracking devices.
what was your experience at the sexual assault service
missing my dog but fairly sure he will look after her
There were a couple of times in the conversation where sentiment and Sisterhood amongst the group ran high as all of the group members are at different stages of the journey of recovery and healing. They listened, offered thoughts and insight and shared deeply personal experiences .
It was hell , I thought I was going to die, he said he was going to kill me and I knew he meant what he said but I’m here and one day I want to help other women who are going through what I’ve been through.
It is my hope that the lived experience , lived expertise eventually becomes equal in status, influence and earning capacity as the academic qualifications that have swept across the domestic violence sector in the last 20 years often replacing the lived experience qualification and the wider representation of the collective input.
As the women applied colour to their themed Mandala colouring page, pastels, orange and brown colours, rainbow and cold-ocean blues and greys, there was talk about how important it is to meet with other women in a safe and creative space to share “our stories” and hear the stories of others.
The difference between the grass roots culture of domestic violence and the academic, research oriented, political discourse version is astounding.
The women who participated in our Colouring and Conversation circle will most likely never have access to the microphone and what was once a feminist, collective approach to women’s safety and domestic violence has become a hierarchical, patriarchal structure, often with women who have letters OAM Ph.D or an established public profile and media presence and speak on behalf of those survivors who do not recognise their leadership.
In a landscape where marginalised voices struggle to be heard, it is imperative to elevate the stories of those directly impacted by domestic violence. Rather than focusing solely on gendered violence and battle cries of It Must Stop! or political agendas that have deep roots in patriarchy , the concerns voiced by women profoundly impacted by domestic revolved around very tangible, resolable issues affecting their daily lives.
Ultimately, the essence of domestic violence lies in the stories of resilient women their determination, resilience, and pursuit of a brighter future for themselves and their vhildren and pets..
As we navigate this complex issue of criminalising coercive control and increasing resources for survivors , it is the voices from the grassroots that transmit the stories of what happened, what is needed and what is it that those that those without lived expertise do not relate to.
The women I met, each with their own journey of overcoming unimaginable violence and psychological torment will usually not be heard at conferences that exclude them or in place as where they are not invited to the microphone.
What strikes me each time I enter a domestic violence shelter , especially when there have been vacuous headlines in large letters saying IT MUST STOP, is the chasm that often exists between the grassroots lived experience and those who are in the privileged position to influence change.
In a world where discussions about domestic violence are often dominated by those with established platforms or academic credentials, it’s essential to remember whose voices are being amplified.
Instead of relying solely on experts or media personalities, there is immense value in allowing those directly impacted by domestic violence to lead the conversation.
I believe it’s crucial for journalists and advocates alike to spend time in shelters, not on transactional fact finding research-based missions but to develop relationships to spend genuine authentic time listening to the raw, unfiltered stories, developing relationships with women who are outside of their political or academic circle or the echo chamber of current political discourse.
It’s time to pass the microphone to those who are living through the experience, rather than speaking on their behalf.
In the end, what matters most are the voices of the courageous women in shelters and emergency motels, the women who are sleeping on couches and in cars, their resilience, their strength, and their unwavering determination to create a safer, brighter future for themselves and their families.
When we finished colouring our Mandalas and our Conversation Circle came to an end one of the closing reflections, spoken by a woman who had earlier shared that by sitting in the Circle with other women Who had experience violence, she had identified that the family violence she was born into had taught her to accept violence as a normal part of life but not any more
She finished with the following words : It’s been really great being here today I feel like I’ve been seen and heard and that means a lot to me.
It is most likely she won’t have access to a domestic violence conference costing hundreds of dollars and that there won’t be a pathway for her to the inner circle of domestic violence influencers but as the small group of women around her applauded her statement she smiled and thanked us and it is to Her that this recounting is dedicated.
Both “Bewitched” and “I Dream of Jeannie” were popular television programs in the 1960s that revolved around the lives of magical women who concealed their powers to conform to societal expectations and maintain harmonious relationships with their male counterparts. While these shows featured female protagonists with supernatural abilities, they ultimately reinforced traditional gender roles and presented a narrative where women subjugated their power to their husbands or masters.
In “Bewitched,” the main character, Samantha Stephens, is a witch who marries a mortal man, Darrin. Samantha possesses extraordinary magical abilities but agrees to live as a normal housewife, concealing her powers to avoid conflict in her marriage. The show frequently depicted Samantha using her magic to solve everyday problems discreetly, often with comedic effect. However, her magical abilities were consistently presented as secondary to Darrin’s desires and wishes. Despite Samantha’s intelligence and capability, she often deferred to Darrin’s decisions and allowed him to take the lead, reinforcing the idea that women should prioritize their husbands’ happiness and desires over their own.
Similarly, “I Dream of Jeannie” centered around the character of Jeannie, a beautiful and powerful genie who falls in love with an astronaut named Tony Nelson. Jeannie, like Samantha, possesses incredible magical abilities that could have easily solved any problem. However, she willingly suppresses her powers and subjugates herself to Tony’s desires. Jeannie’s role is largely defined by her desire to please Tony and make him happy, often to the detriment of her own agency and independence.
Both shows can be seen as examples of how female characters with immense power were portrayed in a way that reinforced traditional gender roles and societal expectations. Instead of embracing and celebrating their strength and magic, the female protagonists chose to hide their true selves and subjugate their power to their male partners. These narratives perpetuated the idea that women’s strength and magic should be secondary to men’s desires and aspirations, playing into gender stereotypes that portrayed men as superior and women as submissive.
It’s important to note that these shows were products of their time and reflected the social and cultural attitudes prevalent in the 1960s. While they might not be considered feminist representations of women’s strength and empowerment by today’s standards, they still hold cultural significance and provide insight into the historical context of women’s roles in media during that era
In the following conversation I discuss the role of the Women’s Village and why Domestic Violence Shelters are more than just a place of temporary refuge for women and children in crisis.
~ The Art Of Change ~ with Carol Omer ~ 