Witches & Wizards- who receives the favourable portrayal?

Since I began contributing to the conversations on LinkedIn I have noticed that some of the topics and issues that are important to the women I meet in domestic violence shelters are not represented in public forums.

Away from the inner circles of the political and academic discourse of gendered violence and women’s safety, women are often having very different conversations about identity, recovery, spirituality and the journey of healing and personal transformation after violence.

An example is where the nature of gendered violence and the politics of FDVS may not be tabled for discussion in our Colouring and Conversation Circles but there can be a heartfelt desire to discuss women’s spirituality and the subtopics such as intuition, Nature and the relationship women have with non-patriarchal systems of worship and identity. 

In a Conversation Circle recently one of our group members made a statement that reflects the extent of the coercive control she had been living under for 15 years:
“He destroyed all of my statues and books. Told me I was a hag and threatened to kill my cat because she was black. I have a strong connection to women’s magic and Mother Earth, I would call myself a witch but that always freaks people out.”

In honour of herStory and the history -HIStory- of the demonising of women as ugly, evil hags and men as commanding, authoritative wizards I have written the following article that explores this gendered representation of women in fairytales and mythology as suspect and men as commanding. 

In some ways it is a re-telling of the story of untrustworthy Eve, the easily tempted temptress, evicted from Mother Natures Garden and into the realms of the all-powerful, all watching, patriarchal control for judgement and control, the place where man has dominions over all of the “kingdoms” whilst the “queendom” of Mother Nature and the natural world is secondary and subject to the command and control of patriarchal demands.

Wizards and Witches,

who receives the favourable portrayal?

The long history of negatively portraying powerful and magical women as evil, crones, and hags has contributed to a deficit, detrimental effect on the perception of modern-day witches and their craft.

These negative portrayals have perpetuated harmful stereotypes and misconceptions about witchcraft, leading to a diminished understanding and appreciation of the true power, strength, and significance of witchcraft in various cultures and belief systems.

By consistently associating witchcraft with evil, ugliness, and malevolence, popular storytelling, literature, books, and movies have reinforced a biased and skewed representation of women’s magic.

This portrayal has contributed to the marginalisation and stigmatisation of women who practice witchcraft or identify as witches.

In reality, witchcraft is a diverse and ancient practice that encompasses a wide range of beliefs, traditions, and spiritual paths. Many modern witches embrace positive and empowering aspects of witchcraft, such as healing, intuition, connection with nature, and personal empowerment. They often emphasize personal growth, community building, and the promotion of harmony and balance in the world.

The negative portrayal of witches as evil and ugly while presenting wizards as authoritative and commanding reinforces gender stereotypes and a power imbalance between men and women. It reinforces the idea that men can possess authority and power in their magical abilities, while women’s magic is associated with darkness and danger. This perpetuates a patriarchal view that undermines the agency and autonomy of women, particularly those who practice witchcraft.

It is crucial to challenge these harmful stereotypes and acknowledge the historical and cultural significance of witchcraft in a more nuanced and accurate manner. Recognising the strength, resilience, and wisdom that can be found within witchcraft can lead to a greater appreciation of women’s power and a more inclusive and diverse understanding of magic and spirituality.

It is important to promote narratives that depict witches in a positive light and celebrate the beauty and strength of their craft, while also acknowledging the historical context that has contributed to the negative portrayal of witches

The negative portrayal of witches as evil and ugly, while contrastingly presenting wizards as authoritative, godlike figures, has significant repercussions.

Wizards often embody images of Zeus or other powerful deities, reinforcing a patriarchal view of magic that places male practitioners in positions of authority and reverence.

This perpetuates a gender imbalance within representations of magical practice, suggesting that men are naturally suited for roles of power while women who practice magic are inherently suspect.

This portrayal undermines the agency and autonomy of women who practice witchcraft and reinforces harmful stereotypes about their capabilities and intentions. Many modern witches, however, embrace positive aspects of their craft, such as healing, intuition, and connection to nature. These practices often focus on promoting balance, harmony, and personal empowerment, contrasting sharply with the sinister portrayal of witches in popular media.

It is essential to challenge these stereotypes and offer more accurate and diverse narratives that reflect the true complexity of witchcraft and its practitioners. Doing so helps celebrate the strength, wisdom, and resilience found in women’s magic, while also providing a more balanced perspective on the role of magic and spirituality in modern society.

The following is a list of the representation of the evil witch in popular culture.

1. The Wicked Witch of the West in “The Wizard of Oz” is depicted as a green-skinned, cackling villain who seeks to harm the main characters and is ultimately defeated.
2. In the fairy tale “Hansel and Gretel,” the witch is portrayed as a sinister figure who lures children into her gingerbread house to fatten them up and eat them.
3. The character Maleficent in Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty” is a powerful sorceress who curses the princess and is portrayed as a malevolent and vengeful witch.
4. In the book series “Harry Potter,” the evil witch Bellatrix Lestrange is a devoted follower of Lord Voldemort, participating in dark magic and causing harm to others. The school is overseen by the authoritative patriarch, wizard Albus Dumbledore,
5. The classic story “Snow White” features the wicked Queen, who uses her magic powers to transform herself into an old hag and attempts to kill Snow White out of envy.
6. In Roald Dahl’s “The Witches,” the witches are depicted as hideous and evil beings who disguise themselves as normal women and plot to turn children into mice.
7. In the Disney film “Brave,” the main character’s mother is transformed into a bear by a witch, leading to conflict and danger.
8. The character of the White Witch in “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” is an icy, power-hungry sorceress who brings eternal winter to the land.
9. The evil queen in “Cinderella” transforms into a wicked sorceress, orchestrating events to prevent Cinderella from attending the royal ball.
10. In the children’s book “The Worst Witch” by Jill Murphy, the main character Mildred Hubble faces challenges and mishaps as a young witch in training.
11. In the film “The Craft,” a group of teenage witches becomes consumed by power and uses their abilities for personal gain, leading to negative consequences.
12. The character Ursula in Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” is portrayed as a sea witch who tricks Ariel into making a dangerous deal.
13. In the popular fairy tale “Rapunzel,” the sorceress Gothel keeps the young princess trapped in a tower, using her magic to control and manipulate her.
14. In the “Shrek” franchise, the Fairy Godmother is depicted as a conniving and manipulative sorceress who tries to separate Shrek and Fiona.
15. In the book series “The Spiderwick Chronicles” by Tony DiTerlizzi and Holly Black, the main characters encounter various malevolent creatures, including wicked witches.
16. In the animated film “The Princess and the Frog,” the villainous character Dr. Facilier is a voodoo witch doctor who uses dark magic for his own gain.
17. The character Maleficent, portrayed by Angelina Jolie, is the protagonist in the live-action film “Maleficent” and is initially portrayed as a dark and vengeful fairy.
18. In the novel “The Witches” by Roald Dahl, a young boy discovers a secret gathering of witches who plan to exterminate all the children in England.
19. The character of Queen Jadis, also known as the White Witch, in C.S. Lewis’s “The Chronicles of Narnia” series is an evil sorceress who seeks to conquer Narnia.
20. In the Disney film “Enchanted,” the evil Queen Narissa transforms into a hag-like sorceress to prevent the main characters from finding true love

Further reading: Medieval studies research blog: https://sites.nd.edu/manuscript-studies/tag/wizard

When we feel powerless & outraged in the face of violence & murder

Trigger warning- re Bondi Junction Murders and trauma recovery after homicide.

My friend Janet was murdered in a knife attack. Her life was marked by resilience and the capacity to rebuild.

She endured a violent relationship in which her partner attempted to kill her and her children.

In a courageous act of self-preservation, she pretended to die to escape the situation, running out of the room into the street when he turned his violence and cruelty on their two babies.
She saved herself and her children and Janet’s relief was palpable when her attacker was jailed but none of us ever imagined her next partner would murder her in a brutal knife attack & then take his own life.

I was working in a domestic violence shelter alone on the weekend shift when I took the call to say that Janet had been murdered in a knife attack .

Chronic trauma and grief require mindful attention and support.

The pain of losing someone so violently is profound, murder leaves a lasting impact and cannot be measured. It devastates loved ones, impacts first responders and traumatises the community.

The process of mourning a violent death is complex and multilayered. The deaths of victims who were preyed upon today is deeply personal and our compassion & outrage are a reflection of our connection & our humanity.

In the days leading up to Janet’s funeral, I sought to harness my pain and outrage.

I learned to breathe deeply into the depths of the overwhelming emotions and grief, to move through the shock that was like an electrical storm, to visualise the grief transforming into love & then exhaled that mindful energy slowly, sending Intention of well-being and safety to Janet’s family and to the women and children living in domestic violence shelters across the country.

This process gave me a sense of purpose and a way to channel my grief into something productive.

Art also played a significant role in the days and weeks after her murder. Creating art allowed me to embody Janet’s story, to allow my hands to process the grief and honour her strength.

The art became a means of processing the emotions and memories tied to Janet’s life and death.

It helped me honour her memory and keep her story alive in the shocking reality of her death. By sharing Janet’s experiences through art, I was able to facilitate talking circles where women could share their own stories of courage and resilience.

When I spoke at Janet’s funeral it was with a promise I made to her to dedicate my work to her memory.

The impact of domestic violence on individuals, families, and communities cannot be measured.
By supporting survivors and providing resources for those in need, we can assist the family to heal and recover.

The stabbings at Bondi Junction today confront us with the ongoing threat of violence in our communities.

These despicable events mirror the senseless loss of life & call us to act in meaningful ways to honour the victims and their families.

We must focus on supporting those affected by these recent attacks.

This can include contributing to organisations that support victim survivors, raising awareness about the impact of violence, and pressing for policy changes that prioritise safety and prevention.

As a nation-community it is a call to support those suffering from this unspeakable act by finding ways to channel our outrage into actionable change and to recognise that lateral trauma and lateral violence can erode our own mental health and well-being when we feel powerless in the face of violence beyond our control.

What IS in our control is what we do with our anger and outrage and sorrow

Not All Men but Mostly Men…

Men’s violence is a serious issue that affects everyone in society.

When we talk about this topic, we often hear the phrase “not all men” as a response.

It’s true that not all men are violent.

However, it’s important to acknowledge that most domestic violence is committed by men & that women are dying at the hands of men in Australia.
It is not women killing women.
It is men.

Not only are we called to navigate this tragedy & put action to making a difference, time & energy has to be redirected into dealing with the “Not all men” rhetoric.

Men can be sensitive about the topic of male violence for various reasons.
One reason is that it can feel like an attack on their character or identity, especially when the focus is on men as a group.

Many men take pride in having high values so hearing about men’s violence can feel like a personal attack.

Additionally, discussing male violence can touch on deep-seated issues of masculinity & societal expectations.

Some men may feel uncomfortable confronting how certain traditional beliefs about being “tough” or “dominant” can contribute to the problem.

This sensitivity can also stem from a lack of understanding or awareness of how prevalent & harmful men’s violence is.

By approaching the topic with clarity & respect & identifying the positive role men can play in preventing violence, we can help bridge the gap & engage non-violent men in meaningful discussions & actions.

Instead of getting defensive, non-violent men can take practical action to help address the problem.

Here are some ways men can contribute to change:

Speak Up: If you see someone acting aggressively or disrespectfully, say something. Standing up against violent behavior shows support for victims.

Choose not to watch content that exploits the murder & rape of women as entertainment for “cop shows” & movies. Challenge the normalisation of violence as entertainment.

Support Victims: If someone confides in you about violence, listen & believe them. Offer help & resources, familiarise yourself with the dv safety networks.

Encourage Healthy Masculinity: Talk with other men about what it means to be strong in a healthy way by being supportive, respectful & kind. This can involve taking an emotional risk by stepping into new territory outside of the culture of men not expressing feelings.

Support the services & agencies at the front line of responding to the domestic violence crisis that rely on community support.

Men’s violence affects everyone, including non-violent men’s daughters, sisters & friends, it can harm their safety & well-being & by actively taking a stand against violence, non-violent men contribute to creating a safer community for everyone.

This issue isn’t just about “blaming men” it’s about working with emotional & psychological maturity to bring about change.

By being aware, speaking up & taking action, non-violent men can be part of the solution & help eradicate male violence.

Trailer to Men’s Group an important Australian film by John L Simpson that bravely confronts men’s violence and offers solutions:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d68Ne3QdMyw

It’s a Long Way Down to the Grassroots

Back in 2016  I expressed concern to  Our  Watch and AWAVA that the national Domestic Violence Conference “Prevalent and Preventable ” that was due to be held in Adelaide, 3 km away from where I live, was exclusive and unaffordable.

I had been working in the domestic violence sector for over 30 years and had seen first hand  how many of the patriarchal structures of privilege and hierarchy had infiltrated the Women’s Village, the domestic violence system.

My  colleagues and friends,  many who are retired domestic violence workers and independent contractors, had  been excluded from attending the conference based on the registration that, even with discount, was extremely unaffordable.

Many retired domestic violence workers live week to week on pensions and several hundred dollars for entrance back into the sector where they spent several decades working, is unfathomable.

But that is exactly what was happening.

Some cultures and societies are wisdom-based and the knowledge and experience of the elders is at the forefront of community gatherings but this is not so in the western academic system where it is often income, status and privilege that have the access key.

 My concern was that in the transition from feminist collectives to a much more academic and political ownership of the domestic violence sector,  privilege and exclusivity had  embedded  into what has become a very  hierarchical structure, bound by KPI’s and acquiescence to funding guidelines, with only a few voices speaking on behalf of all women and very little handing over of the microphone to women below the invisible line in the socio-economic sand.

The voices and peak leadership positions are often white women even though the statistics show that Aboriginal women are 45 times more likely to be impacted by domestic violence.

I was shocked to see the conference promotional material stated that it was near to Adelaide’s  premium restaurants at the beautiful Convention Centre and cost was just under $1000.

A high-end venue at a high-end price, a long way from gathering in the meeting spaces of NGO’s, catered for by the local TAFE catering students during the era prior to the imposition of hierarchical, income exclusive structures and the homogenising of domestic violence response processes.

The thought of people gathering in an elevated position above the banks of the Torrens where women were sleeping rough was  shocking to me and over several days I was engaged in difficult email exchanges about the ethics of creating exclusive domestic violence conferences that were no longer accessible to either grassroots frontline workers who were not associated with an agency or the women with lived  experience who are not associated to organisations that could assist them.

When  we reached the point in the email exchanges where the cost of the conference was stated as being more affordable because there was another that was $1500 in a similar field, I realised that unless people have had an experience of poverty, lack, homelessness and exclusion from privilege and  influence, it was very difficult to comprehend how out of touch and far away from the original intention of the women’s sector Our Watch and AWAVA had become.

Since that time  I have continued to share stories from the grassroots, frontline experiences of domestic violence and the following story is a contribution to creating a cultural and lived experience bridge  into the public, political and academic discourse of the  domestic violence  conversation.

Eight years after that difficult exchange I continue to question how our sector went from grassroots, often lived experience,  feminist activism to an increasingly smaller number of high profile representatives, often on high income with privileged access who are comfortable eating very well at conferences that cost as much to enter as some women with a lived experience of domestic violence will receive in a month.

To the lived experience, lived expertise advocates, writers and educators who struggle to be seen and heard or invited into the inner circle of domestic violence leadership spaces, I see you, I hear you and I thank you for your work and the resilience that it takes to be seen and heard and have your lived expertise valued in equal measure to those who have not walked your path.

It’s a long way down to the Grassroots

This week I spent time in a domestic violence Shelter hosting a Colouring and Conversation circle on the theme of Exploring Values and Setting Boundaries.  

A Colouring and Conversation  Circle   is a very relaxed creativity based, group coaching session with content specific to domestic violence recovery and understanding coercive control .

The group members were courageous, wounded, resilient   women who shared   stories that  have a very different narrative about domestic violence than what is often printed in the media.

The conversation was not about gendered violence, or the politics of domestic violence, the  concerns were in the areas of 

• rebuilding relationships within the family, 
• concern for the children’s schooling, 
• wanting to access video surveillance cameras and 
• how to find and  clear digital tracking devices.  
• what was your experience at the sexual assault service
• missing my dog but fairly sure he will look after her

 There were a couple of times in the conversation where sentiment and Sisterhood amongst the group  ran high as all of the group members   are at different stages of the journey of recovery and healing. They listened, offered thoughts and insight and shared  deeply personal experiences .

It was hell , I thought I was going to die, he said he was going to kill me and I knew he meant what he said but I’m here and one day I want to help other women who are going through what I’ve been through.

It  is my hope that the lived  experience , lived expertise eventually becomes equal in status, influence  and earning capacity as the academic qualifications that have swept across the domestic violence sector in the last 20 years often replacing the lived experience qualification and the wider representation of the collective input.

As the women applied colour to their themed Mandala colouring page, pastels, orange and brown  colours, rainbow and cold-ocean blues and greys,  there was  talk about how important it is to meet with other women in a safe and creative space to share “our stories” and hear the stories of others.

 The difference between the grass roots  culture of domestic violence and the academic, research oriented, political discourse version is astounding. 

The women who participated in our Colouring and Conversation circle will most likely never have access to the microphone and what was once a feminist, collective  approach to women’s safety and domestic violence has become a hierarchical,  patriarchal structure,   often with women who have letters OAM Ph.D or an established public profile  and  media presence and  speak  on behalf of those survivors who do not recognise their leadership.

In a landscape where marginalised voices  struggle to be heard, it is imperative to elevate the stories of those directly impacted by domestic violence. Rather than focusing solely on gendered violence and battle cries of It Must Stop! or political agendas that have deep roots in patriarchy , the concerns voiced by  women profoundly impacted by domestic  revolved around very tangible, resolable issues affecting their daily lives.

Ultimately, the essence of domestic violence lies in the stories of  resilient women their  determination, resilience, and pursuit of a brighter future for themselves and their vhildren and pets..

 As we navigate this complex issue of criminalising coercive control and increasing resources for survivors , it is the voices from the grassroots that transmit the stories of what happened, what is needed and what is it that those that those without  lived expertise  do not relate to.

The women I met, each with their own journey of overcoming unimaginable violence and psychological torment  will usually not be heard at conferences that exclude them or in place as where they are not invited to the microphone.

What strikes  me each time I enter a domestic violence shelter , especially when there have been vacuous headlines in large letters saying IT MUST STOP, is the chasm that often exists between the grassroots lived experience and those who are in the privileged position to influence change.

In a world where discussions about domestic violence are often dominated by those with established platforms or academic credentials, it’s essential to remember whose voices are being amplified.

Instead of relying solely on experts or media personalities, there is immense value in allowing those directly impacted by domestic violence to lead the conversation.

 I believe it’s crucial for journalists and advocates alike to spend time in shelters, not on transactional fact finding research-based missions but to develop relationships to spend genuine authentic time listening to the raw, unfiltered stories, developing relationships with women who are outside of their political or academic circle or the echo chamber of current political discourse.

It’s time to pass the microphone to those who are living through the experience, rather than speaking on their behalf.

In the end, what matters most are the voices of the courageous women in shelters and emergency motels, the women who are sleeping on couches and in cars, their resilience, their strength, and their unwavering determination to create a safer, brighter future for themselves and their families.

When we finished colouring our Mandalas and our Conversation Circle came to an end one of the closing reflections, spoken by a woman who had earlier shared that by sitting in the Circle with other women Who had experience violence, she had identified that the family violence she was born into had taught her to accept violence as a normal part of life but not any more

She finished with the following words : It’s been really great being here today I feel like I’ve been seen and heard and that means a lot to me.

It is most likely she won’t have access to a domestic violence conference costing hundreds of dollars and that there won’t be a pathway for her to the inner circle of domestic violence influencers but as the small group of women around her applauded her statement she smiled and thanked us and it is to Her that this recounting is dedicated.

International Women’s Day & the irony of “Inclusion”.

When Trauma is at the roots of Narcissism.

As the daughter of  a man who grew up in the chaos and violence of World War II I have embarked on a deep dive into  how my fathers early childhood trauma  shaped his psyche and personality. This has led to interrogating the ways that he protected  himself in that environment, the relentless, depleting nature of a little boy in Survival Mode and how it created behaviours that were  destructive and dangerous when it came to becoming a father of three girls.

As a baby boomer in the third chapter of life, it was no longer fully representative to simply refer to my father as having had a narcissistic personality and then presenting a list of all the ways that he created so much trauma for my mother and my sisters and I in our younger years.

Whilst it is true that running away from his home, (fleeing undercover of a fallacious sleep-over) at 17 years old, eventually led me to working in domestic violence shelters and women’s recovery programs for almost 40 years, there is something that happens after turning 60, there isn’t a word for it as far as I know, and the only way I can describe it is to say that it is a more detached, seasoned and compassionate capacity to understand the destructive complexities of our parents, whilst also fully claiming what was done and what was lost because of it.

Imagine a young boy, let’s call him John, who lived in a city heavily affected by the war.

From the time he was born until the war ended, John’s life was marked by constant fear, uncertainty, and scarcity. His childhood was defined by trauma and chaos and his own father, who had lost his father in gunfire in the First World War, was completely ill equipped to meet John’s needs emotionally or psychologically .

Unfortunately John’s father passed on the trauma of his own terror, grief and abandonment through the death of his own father that remained an unspoken tragedy in the family .

The deafening wails of sirens blaring, the sight of bombed-out buildings, the loss of loved ones, and the struggle for basic necessities were all they knew. Both John and his father lived their childhood surrounded by violence and chaos 30 years apart. Two world wars shaped their lives and those of the children who were not even born yet.

Heightened Nervous System.

During those formative years, John learned to suppress his emotions as a means of survival. Showing vulnerability was a luxury he couldn’t afford in such a harsh environment. Instead, he adopted a facade of toughness and self-sufficiency to navigate through the chaos.

Any hint of fear or sadness was quickly buried beneath layers of anger and stoicism.

As John grew older, these coping mechanisms became deeply ingrained in his personality. He learned to see the world as a hostile place where only the strongest or the smartest or the sneakiest survive. This worldview shaped his interactions with others, including his own family.

When John became a father himself, he struggled to connect emotionally with his children. He lacked the tools and the capacity to express love and affection in healthy ways because he never received them himself. Instead, his default response to any discordant emotions within his family was sarcasm, anger and rage.

These intense outbursts served as a defence mechanism, shielding him from the vulnerability of truly connecting with his children on an emotional level or taking responsibility for the impact he was having on those around him. Whilst John was not given to self reflection, he took great pride in always being right, entitlement to fault others and to take no responsibility for his own behaviour.

Developmentally a large part of John’s psyche remained in the bombed out war zone of World War II throughout all of his adult life and well into his advanced age as he nears 90. In many ways John had the emotional and psychological development of a child, a traumatised child trapped in a war zone.

To John, expressing love or tenderness felt like a risk he couldn’t afford to take. It meant letting down his guard and exposing himself to the possibility of being hurt—a prospect he found unbearable. So, he continued to rely on the familiar armour of anger and aggression, unwittingly perpetuating the cycle of emotional detachment and dysfunction from his own childhood. It was the very same armour handed down by his own father a man who he loathed and loved. Navigating the crosscurrents of equally strong, opposite emotions was a legacy he inadvertently handed on, transmitted to his own children.

Such is the nature of intergenerational trauma.

In this way, the trauma of John’s early experiences during the war shaped not only his own psyche but also his ability and his inability, to be a loving and nurturing father. His protective behaviours, while effective in surviving wartime hardships, became maladaptive in the context of family life, ultimately perpetuating a cycle of emotional disconnection and dysfunction across generations. His violent outbursts eventually snapped the tenuous connection with his daughters and placed an irreparable strain on the trust and admiration of his wife. But she stayed because she loved him.

Exploring the story behind narcissism and a volatile “toxic masculinity” personality, as the daughter of John is an ongoing quest. My father was a witty, handsome, humorous, volatile man who made his wife and daughters both laugh and cower.

He is now 87 with advanced dementia and my husband and I made the decision to become his full-time carers. In someways I feel that, at 64, I am doing a highly specialised School of Life PhD in Resolving the Father Issues, by living with him again 50 years after the final event that shattered my sense of safety in the world and caused me to escape his control three years later.

I have the opportunity to fully resolve what happened in those war zones in the north of England in the First World War and the Second World War and how the echo of the bombs and the gunfire continued in our family on the other side of the world when we came to live in Australia in 1965. It’s a choice I have made, it runs deeper than forgiveness and tunnels deeply into the roots of narcissistic personality disorders in the generation of men that grew up in a war-zone, parented by young men and women who had grown up through the First World War and The Depression.

The decision to broaden out the story that I tell of my father beyond his narcissism and the deep hurt that he caused frees up some old energy and releases some old stories to allow new stories and a new level of recovery to unfurl.

It is also a way of honouring my mother, let’s call her Maugney, who tried to leave him many times, but she had grown up in the same war zone and trauma bonding runs very deep. They met at 16 and 17, were madly deeply in love, they had children and grandchildren together and created a new life on the other side of the world.

To be continued…

How is the original Beauty and the Beast story a cautionary tale for these times?

Throughout this year’s season of Married  At First Sight I have shared observations about the way that Lucinda, rather than be matched with a man with shared interests, was cast into a modern day story of Beauty and the Beast.

She was matched with Timothy, a man who shared none of her interests and is her opposite and oppositional in many ways.

The Beauty and the Beast syndrome is a term used to describe a common narrative in which a dedicated and loyal woman’s love and kindness are believed to have the magical power to transform a beastly or emotionally distant man into a better person. 

This narrative, while seemingly romantic, can actually perpetuate harmful stereotypes and contribute to power imbalances in relationships.

In the classic fable, Beauty’s unwavering love and compassion ultimately lead to the Beast’s transformation into a handsome prince. This narrative suggests that women have the responsibility and power to change men through their love and patience. However, it overlooks the importance of mutual respect, communication, and boundaries in healthy relationships.

By romanticising the idea of “fixing” or “saving” a man, the Beauty and the Beast syndrome reinforces the notion that women should prioritise their partner’s needs and emotions over their own.
It sets unrealistic expectations for women to tolerate lack of engagement or emotional unavailability in the hopes of eventually being rewarded with a transformed partner.

Additionally this  narrative often glorifies traits associated with the “bad boy” archetype, such as brooding masculinity or emotional unavailability. It suggests that these qualities are inherently desirable and worth pursuing, despite the potential for harm or imbalance in the relationship.
Both partners should feel valued and supported, with each person contributing to the growth and well-being of the relationship. Instead of perpetuating the Beauty and the Beast syndrome, it’s important to challenge these outdated narratives and promote healthier dynamics based on communication, empathy, and mutual understanding.

Ultimately, the Beauty and the Beast syndrome serves as a cautionary tale, highlighting the dangers of idealising unhealthy relationship dynamics and reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes. True love should not require one person to sacrifice their own needs or endure mistreatment in the hopes of sparking change in their partner.

The following is a summary of the original Beauty and the Beast fairy story and how that relates to coercive control and power imbalances in relationships. 

The original Beauty and the Beast fairy tale, written by Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont in the 18th century, tells the story of a kind-hearted young woman named Beauty who agrees to live in a castle with a mysterious Beast in order to save her father. 

Over time, Beauty discovers that the Beast is not as monstrous as he appears; he is actually a prince under a curse.
Through her compassion and kindness, Beauty breaks the curse and transforms the Beast back into a prince.

The connection between the original fairy tale and coercive control lies in the dynamics of power and control present in the story.

In the tale, the Beast holds power over Beauty by virtue of her father’s indebtedness and her own sense of duty to sacrifice herself for her family.

This power dynamic is further reinforced by the Beast’s physical strength and imposing presence.

Similarly, in cases of coercive control and domestic violence, perpetrators often exert power and control over their victims through various means such as manipulation, intimidation, isolation, and threats.  

They can also be a much more subtle, covert form of control through silence, sarcasm, disdain, withdrawal and offering the cryptic possibility of change in the relationship further down the track .
Timothy’s description oh himself as a “slow burn” suggested that their connection may blossom, things may change, however that illusion evaporated when Lucinda met his friends who suggested that his aloofness and distance  is not usually the case. He usually dotes on women and finally when he left her for hours in his dark and uninspiring man cave apartment, Lucinda the beauty finally faced how she was being treated.

In some circumstances the Beauty  may feel trapped in the relationship due to financial dependence, fear of retaliation, or a sense of obligation to their partner or family.

In both of these scenarios, there is a dynamic of one person exerting control over another, whether it be through physical force (as in the case of the Beast in the original fairytale) or through psychological manipulation and emotional withdrawal .

Whilst this was not the case in the MAFS telling of the Beauty and the Beast story we saw that Lucinda emphasised her commitment to the wounded Timothy and in spite of receiving very little from him, she continued to pour her magnificent, unwavering light upon him.
When he said in a brusque and entitled manner that maybe she should keep her top on women around the country laughed in delight at her retort. Perhaps he should also sleep with his top on and anyway he has man boobs!

Lucinda was a fierce and insightful Beauty, of this there is no doubt!

While the original fairy tale portrays Beauty’s kindness and compassion as ultimately leading to the Beast’s redemption, it’s important to note that real-life situations of coercive control and the bad boy or wounded man syndrome cannot be resolved simply through the Beauty’s efforts to be understanding or forgiving. 

In the original Beauty and the Beast story, there are several instances where Beauty prioritises the Beast’s needs over her own, often resulting in consequences for herself.
Here are five key points illustrating this dynamic:

• Agreeing to Take Her Father’s Place: When Beauty’s father becomes indebted to the Beast, Beauty selflessly offers to take his place in the Beast’s castle. Despite her own desires and dreams, she sacrifices her freedom to protect her father, demonstrating her sense of duty and selflessness.
• Choosing to Stay with the Beast: After arriving at the castle, Beauty decides to stay despite initially feeling fear and uncertainty. She chooses to honour her promise and remain with the Beast, prioritising her commitment over her own comfort and desires.
• Showing Kindness and Compassion: Throughout her time in the castle, Beauty treats the Beast with kindness and compassion, despite his intimidating appearance and gruff demeanour. She consistently puts effort into understanding him and tries to alleviate his loneliness, showing empathy and concern for his well-being.
• Rejecting Wealth and Luxury: When the Beast offers Beauty lavish gifts and luxurious accommodations, she humbly refuses, recognising that material possessions do not outweigh the importance of genuine connection and kindness. By prioritising emotional fulfilment over material wealth, Beauty demonstrates her integrity and values.
• Risking Her Life to Save the Beast: In the climax of the story, Beauty realises that the Beast is dying due to his love for her. Despite her own fear and uncertainty, she decides to return to the castle and profess her love for him, risking her own life in the process. Her willingness to sacrifice herself for the Beast ultimately leads to his transformation and their happily ever after.

Throughout these key points in the story, Beauty consistently places the Beast’s needs and well-being above her own, often facing personal challenges and sacrifices as a result.
While her actions ultimately lead to a happy,  fairy-tale resolution, they also highlight the complexities of selflessness and the importance of maintaining boundaries and prioritising one’s own needs in healthy relationships.

As this years MAFS season draws to a close, Lucinda Beauty has affirmed in her post-show interviews and podcasts that through  this experience she has come to really know herself, though she did not find the love that she was looking for.
She has many new fans and dedicated followers who have been inspired by her true beauty and wisdom.

In this modern day retelling an old fairytale, whilst the Beauty’s generous,  kind, funny, quirky, thoughtful and  endearing ways remained consistent throughout the weeks and months of the show, hopefully the viewing audience of women who are seeking relationships will not get drawn into an affirmation that the Beauty and the Beast story is still relevant for these times.

It isn’t.

When the Bubble Bursts

Married at First Sight- Beauty & the Beast Update

I had lunch yesterday with 3 of my former team members. We worked at a domestic violence shelter for 10 years
They are in their 70s & 80s, Crones in the original, highly regarded meaning of the word. Three of us have been following Married at First Sight this year and two of us, myself included, questioned the characterisation of Tim and Lucinda’s story which is clearly a retelling of the Beauty and the Beast story where the aggressive, difficult to love Beast is at the centre of the workload for the kind & considerate Beauty.

In the telling of the story, the patiently understanding Lucinda Beauty seeks to have none of her own needs met as she focuses solely on the wounded Beast Tim.

She is enabled by the “experts” who congratulate her on being able to talk him down after his volatile fist slamming, wine spilling eruption at the dinner party . #CoerciveControl

After all it is a woman’s job to monitor and redirect the angry man right?
They even used the moment as a promo meme!
” Lucinda talks Timothy down”.

When she visited him in his own space & saw his unkempt, dog-poo-infused flat & met his friends who said he usually “dotes” on women, Lucinda Beauty was no longer able to idealise Tim & the way she had been treated by him.

Her bubble burst.

Back on home turf, Tim walked away from her, his anger & frustration arose, the same eruption of anger & entitlement that had defined many of his interactions, was now solely on Lucinda.

The experts had enabled Tim’s behaviour but in this moment Lucinda realised she was entitled to better treatment and a healthier relationship.

This is always a turning point moment in the “Beauty and the Beast” stories we hear behind the walls of domestic violence shelters as women confront the coercive control they have lived with.

Lucinda stated “I’m not angry, I’m not”
followed by
“well maybe a little bit”.

She had been fed crumbs and crummy behaviour for many weeks but her caring and loving Spirit had transformed them into a banquet of adoration as she patiently midwifed Tim’s awakening.

But as we saw Tim was not having any of it!

The return to aggressive & difficult behaviour is very common on the cycle of coercive control because now the honeymoon of Connection is over, there is a cost to pay!

Vulnerability is a weakness not the superpower that Lucinda holds as high value.

So what do you think?

Will Lucinda finally experience the anger that she is entitled to after weeks of it being all about Tim and the producers and experts giving no consideration to the sincerity of her quest for love & HER needs, not his?

The “experts” enable Tim and disempower Lucinda by not highlighting the dynamics of coercive control that were happening in the same way they did to Jack and Tori, who had been targeted by them as the “villain” couple.

The professional irresponsibility of selectively highlighting coercive behaviour is both questionable and highly toxic.

…and now that Lucinda-Beauty’s bubble has burst will she see that all along she has been focused on Tim’s wounded Beast-Transcendence, his potential that she knows is not too far below the gruff exterior rather than recognising and interrogating what he has been telling her:
I am a hot head
I am ready to go to war
I am not easy.

The Beauty breaks free from the spell when she recognises that the Beast is just that.

Link to my Blog #BeautyAndTheBeast article:

https://carolom.wordpress.com/2024/02/29/mafs-promote-the-beauty-the-beast-syndrome/

#MAFS #MAFSAU

International Women’s Day & the irony of “Inclusion”.

The Irony of Inclusion: 
Reflections on International Women’s Day and the Domestic Violence Sector

As we commemorate International Women’s Day this year, the theme of Inclusion resonates deeply and amidst the celebrations and acknowledgments, it’s crucial to reflect on the paradoxes that exist within our journey towards inclusivity, particularly in sectors addressing domestic violence and homelessness.

For almost four decades, I have worked in the domestic violence sector, in Shelters and on management boards witnessing its evolution firsthand. 
Initially, the movement emerged as a grassroots activism , characterised by collectives and solidarity among women. 

It was a unified approach aimed at protecting women and children, transcending hierarchical structures.

However, as the issue gained political attention and increased funding and the micromanagement that often accompanies government funding we witnessed a transformation. 

The patriarchal structures that the movement sought to challenge began to replicate within the women’s sector itself. 

Today, the voices that dominate the discourse on domestic violence are predominantly those of white women in positions of power and leadership.

The irony is stark: while the theme of this year’s International Women’s Day is inclusion, the path to the microphone for marginalised voices has narrowed. 

Leadership positions in the sector are increasingly occupied by a select group of privileged women with established profiles, leaving little room for representation from diverse backgrounds and experiences.

Inclusion, as we’ve come to understand, is not merely a theoretical concept but an action-oriented process.

Yet, in the domestic violence sector, we’ve witnessed the erosion of inclusivity over time. 

Conferences once held in grassroots centers that built connection amongst diverse voices, have now become expensive, exclusive events, catering to a select few in premium locations.

True inclusion, however, transcends politics and policies, it’s about building genuine relationships at the grassroots level. 

It’s about amplifying the voices of women from all walks of life, irrespective of their academic backgrounds or geographic locations. 

Yet, in our pursuit of inclusivity, we have inadvertently excluded many of those whose experiences & perspectives are most vital to the cause.

The narrative of inclusion must evolve beyond rhetoric & be grounded in action. 

Relationships are at the heart of change yet the strongest, most influential relationship in the women’s movement are often amongst the small inner circle of the domestic violence leadership.

As we mark International Women’s Day this year, let’s not only celebrate the progress we’ve made but also critically reflect on the work that lies ahead. 

True inclusion requires the small group of privileged women holding the microphone to pass it on to those who do not have access.

To hear from women directly women who don’t ordinarily move in the small circles, not to speak on their behalf but to hand them the microphone, placing the privilege of the microphone in their hands.

Only then can we truly honor the spirit of inclusivity that is at the heart of this day

The inevitable fall of Diana Spencer and her daughter-in-law Meghan Markle

The day Diana Spencer  married Prince Charles, who was very much in love with Camilla (but an heir was required of him) I  was living in a caravan park in far north Queensland.

Who could forget the moment when they were asked about their love and Dianas face when he said “whatever love means”. That was the red flag 🚩 moment she was unable to respond to.

One of the converted Bus people in the caravan park put their television out the front and we watched the Royal Wedding from our camp chairs and singlets and shorts.

The week that Diana died whilst being pursued by a frenzy of men with cameras, I was on retreat by the beach after completing the 12 week Artists Way program.

In the years between those two events Diana had gone from a portrayal of a virgin Princess to an unstable shrew.

The Goddess Diana is the huntress, also known as Artemis who skillfully shoots her arrow with precision.

But the huntress was hunted in this modern version of an ancient story,

Bullying, coersion, opportunistic older men and families that have impenetrable patterns that go back for generations are not bound by poverty, wealth, profile or anonymity. 

They are the dysfunctional patterns that allow a king  to behead wives and women to be gaslighted by controlling royal forces that they are ill equipped to cast an arrow against.

Prince Andrew and I were born 9 days apart and his marriage to the high energy non-conformist Sarah was also told in the media in a similar fashion…stable men, unstable women.

Meanwhile the accusation against Andrew of his sex trafficked abuse of a 17 yo  girl and his close association with the network headed up by his long term friend Epstein has not had the same scrutiny or exposure as was put upon the woman who married into the royal family.

When Harry met Meg, both carrying family wounds and parental trauma, a new chapter began.

Meghan Markel is the latest to be vilified as unstable, woman of questionable ethics and values. 

The pattern continues.

Where did it begin? 

Was is it when Eve with her curiosity and capacity to speak Nature was cast as a weak willed Woman who would lead Adam Astray? 

Perhaps, after all we can understand society by its core creation stories, the stories that  it adheres to, powerful stories that are handed  down and  etched into the psyche, allocating immutable roles for the descendants of the original story.

My reflections are for Diana Spencer and her daughter -in-law Meghan Markle. 

And for Harry who has spoken out against  the hunting pack mentality of the British media and the cost to his mental health.

There may be jewels and palaces and coaches, grand weddings and vast estates handed down to the next group of people born into  the story but it is still a story of domestic violence, gaslighting, coercion and victim shaming.

That’s the insidious nature of the forces many women are dealing with, publicly and privately -an exisiting system that protects predators and vilifies its victims.

MAFS promote The Beauty & The Beast syndrome

The #MAFS “experts” delighted in the moment when Lucinda “talked Tim down”.
Unlike Jack, he has not been cast as the villain, he is the one with blokey charisma, his story is of deep emotional wounds and he is unable to open up to Lucinda.
So when he banged his fist on the table he was able to get away with it in a way that Jack the villain would not.

Lucinda is relentlessly patient, she’s identified his wounds and although he has clearly stated that he is difficult and a “hot head” (volatile and unpredictable / entitled and unapologetic ) the experts delighted in her skilful way of “talking him down”.

He pounded the table with his fist, knocking wine over and entered the dinner party combative and ready for a fight.

The idealising of Lucinda’s patience after being strung along for weeks by a man who clearly has no interest in her and announced himself as difficult in the beginning, is an instructional story for women that the Beauty and the Beast fairytale is worth sinking yourself into because we all know that wounded charismatic, emotionally distant man-Beast will transform under the selfless patience of the lovely Beauty who understands him like no other and is the answer to his transformation.

Over the years MAFS “experts” and producers on this popular ratings television show have leveraged some of the worst aspects of relationships, coercive control , lies, infidelity and gaslighting as ratings fodder.

At the dinner party, the experts glowed as Lucinda sat down to patiently confront Tim for his man tantrum.
The imposition of his rage at the dinner party was edited far less spectacularly than the storylines for the villains.

Today MAFS social media includes comments from women who say they would love be like Lucinda and would attend any women’s coaching classes that she held.

I’m not sure to what degree the experts have hands on experience in the area of coercive control and intimate partner violence, but there should be accountability for repackaging the Beauty and the Beast story as aspirational, sending the message to women that their patience and reasonable response is the very thing needed to transform that volatile angry man beast into the version of him that she has in her head and heart.

Tim is 51, he is combative, arrogant and dismissive of her needs but he’s got that twinkle, touch of the silver tongue, a bit charismatic and arrogant, and Lucinda’s light could well be the beacon that will bring Tim home to himself.

Of course this isn’t going to happen and in the meantime thousands of women across Australia are watching on in awe whilst being reinforced with the myth that if the Beauty is patient and understanding the Beast will no longer be volatile or unpredictable.

UPDATE- When Lucinda’s Bubble Bursts: https://carolom.wordpress.com/2024/03/19/when-the-bubble-bursts/