You may have encountered them in an NGO, an organisation created for the better and the good, or in a church where that person at the top just seems like they are all about power and control behind their mask of good deeds and benevolence.
#Cult leaders usually tick all of the boxes of the Benevolent Narcissist, however in relation to cults, the benevolence will often end as soon as people are hooked in and committed.
I recommend the podcast A Little Bit Culty as a fabulous source for understanding the narcissistic psychology of cult leaders and the process of recovery.
Or maybe it’s that person in the media who represents a particular issue but there’s something about their manner that makes you feel uncomfortable and ill at ease?
It’s possible you may be encountering the Benevolent Narcissist who can be harder to spot than other narcissists because they will often place themselves in a position of being seen to do good in the eyes of the world.
They are very media savvy and know how to exploit publicity.
I first came across this term on the long and ongoing journey of reconciling how one of my family members was targeted for Pentecostal conversion at her highschool when she was a 15-year-old minor and the way that the person, who she referred to as The Pastor in her recovery memoir, moved onto high profile positions in the domestic violence and refugee sectors, in spite of his history of recruiting teenagers on isolated Pentecostal conversion camps and the devastating impact of his unsupervised access to high school kids.
The following article provides valuable information to identify the #BenevolentNarcissist and the tactics that they use.
It is my experience that by identifying the inner circle of influence in an organisation and using love bombing and flattery to enter into that circle, they get that first foot in the door that eventually ends up becoming the footprint others must follow.
Thank you to the women who have sent me inboxes sharing your experience in relation to The Pastor as identified in my family members memoir.
I understand why it is difficult to speak out and I appreciate you sharing your stories and your ongoing reconciliation about what happened.
Domestic violence is a harrowing, shattering reality that devastates lives, families, and communities. The lateral injury and intergenerational effect cannot be measured and the recovery from the trauma and the psychological, physical, emotional and financial devastation is akin to rebuilding a life in the middle of the shockwaves of a tsunami or an earthquake.
One of the most distressing and outrageous aspects of domestic violence as a societal concern is how it is reported in the media. Frequently, coverage focuses on the perpetrator, sometimes portraying them as a “good bloke” admired by others. This narrative starkly contrasts with the profound despair, anger, torment and sorrow experienced by those who have lost loved ones to such malicious acts. The dichotomy between public endorsements of the murderer and the pain of the victims’ families highlights the complex and conflicting experiences that surround domestic violence.
People who endorse the character of a murderer have most likely not experienced the magnitude of this crime personally.
In domestic violence shelters, the theme of conflicting emotions is a prevalent and powerful reality. Women who have escaped abusive relationships often experience a wide range of emotions towards their perpetrators and some of them are in direct contrast to one another. For example she may express relief and gratitude for her safety and a determination never to see her abuser again, yet simultaneously feel concern for his well-being, miss aspects of their relationship, and contemplate thoughts of a potential reconciliation if he will get help. These mixed feelings are rooted in shared moments, such as the birth of their children or the struggles they faced together, their shared culture, community, connections and family bonds, which can be experienced as separate from the violence and coercion that characterised their relationship. If they have spent many years together the violence may be experienced as unrelated to their shared memories, nostalgia and the trauma bonding that occurs in long-term relationships.
Acknowledging and understanding these conflicting emotions without judgement is crucial. It is not uncommon for survivors to feel nostalgic or loyal towards their abusers, despite the harm they have endured. Rather than urging them to choose one feeling over another, it is important to provide space to experience the full range of the complexity of their emotions. This acceptance can be healing, allowing survivors to process feelings without judgment while remaining focused on their safety and future well-being.
In my reflective art programs, we explore these complex emotional landscapes through creative expression. One exercise involves colouring a template of a Warrior Woman, who is wearing a head dress representing the importance of understanding how thoughts affect feelings and the benefits that can come from learning how to train our mind away from patterns and speculation towards focused and resourceful decision making. Training the mind is a learned skill and begins with understanding the nature of thought patterns and how we are often conditioned to repeat the same thoughts over and over and learning how to interrupt them and redirect them can be a powerful tool for recovery and rebuilding.
The Warrior Woman has wide wings, They represent the unfurling of our wings after oppression and fear, expanding our wings into discovering skills and strength and unexplored gifts and future dreams.
There are three layers to her heart. This symbolic figure represents the capacity of the heart to hold conflicting emotions simultaneously—relief and regret, despair and hope, anger and acceptance. Through this process participants can sit comfortably in a space that places no judgement on opposite feelings rather it offers the opportunity to explore how to learn to live with the conflicting perspectives and identify the skills and strategies that are needed to navigate the intense emotional and psychological states in a way that prioritises safety and growth.
And freedom.
This creative, hands on exercise underscores the broader reality that we live in a world of opposites. By re-connecting with the creativity and the imagination that was so free flowing when we were children some of those complex internal energies are processed through the hands. There is room to breathe and transform perceptions through storytelling and the sense of Sisterhood that rises in the creative space when women meet around the art table in a domestic violence shelter.
Just as the world is defined by night and day, dark and light droughts and floods, and outrageous opulence and devastating poverty, our emotional lives are also marked by great contrasts. Recognising and accepting this duality as a normal part of being human can deepen our understanding of the non-binary nature of our internal landscape and external relationships.
By embracing this complexity as trainers and educators we can better support survivors of domestic violence in their journey towards healing and safety.
The political and personal aspects of domestic violence are deeply intertwined. Media portrayals that humanise perpetrators while overshadowing the suffering of victims perpetuate harmful narratives and obscure the true impact of these crimes.
By shifting the focus to the victims and their experiences, we can generate a more empathetic, justice oriented understanding of domestic violence. This shift is not only essential for societal change but also for the individual healing of survivors, who must navigate their own world of opposites to find a path to a safer and more hopeful future. For some survivors this means having to deal not only with the crime but how it was reported.
Acknowledging and respecting the complex emotional experiences of domestic violence survivors is vital. By providing spaces where they can explore and express conflicting feelings, we offer a pathway to move forward in their healing journey.
Understanding the coexistence of opposites within their hearts can empower survivors to navigate their emotions and make choices that lead them towards safety and well-being. This holistic approach recognises the beauty in their struggle and the strength in their resilience, ultimately contributing to a more compassionate and supportive recovery process.
However when it comes to speaking out about the reporting of the crime of domestic violence with any sense of favour or sentiment towards the perpetrator, we all have a responsibility to educate the storytellers in the media to take accountability for the impact of their words and actions and to honour the survivors and their families above endorsing the character of the person who chose an unspeakable act of violence and control.
~ The Art Of Change ~ with Carol Omer ~ 